Words of Condolence

A card often acknowledges positive life events: birthdays and congratulations cards naturally express happy sentiments, and so it is often difficult to find the right words for a message of condolence. Most people who are experiencing fresh grief definitely appreciate words of comfort at these difficult times, but how do you express your sympathy with the right balance of compassion, brevity, sensitivity and sincerity? There are a number of tips on composing sympathy messages to keep in mind.

The first general rule is that the message should of course be respectful and also brief, even if the recipient is a good friend or close family member. The depth of the feelings expressed in the message will naturally depend on your relationship with the recipient. Typical wording on the front of a simple sympathy card might be “thinking of you at this difficult time” or “please accept our deepest condolences for your loss”, and little more needs to be written inside the card, especially if the bereaved recipients are not close family. In this case, the card should be signed with the sender’s full name underneath a few selective hand-written words, for example “our prayers are with you” (if the recipient is religious) or “[name of the deceased] will be greatly missed”.

If you did not know the deceased and/or the family of the deceased very well, it is particularly important to keep the message short and simple, as verbosity will come across as inappropriate.

It is usual etiquette to address the card to the closest relative of the deceased (if appropriate) or otherwise state “my thoughts are with you and all your family”, or words to that effect.

Never send money with a sympathy card, instead make a discrete donation to the bereaved family’s nominated charity, if they state one. It is not easy to convey our genuine feelings of sympathy and comfort without resorting to clichés such as “time will heal”. The circumstances of the bereavement will also dictate, to an extent, what you should write.

For example, the death of an elderly person after a long illness might warrant words such as “he/she is now at peace” whereas the sudden death of a younger person would require quite different wording, such as “I was deeply shocked and saddened to hear of your loss”. Write the envelope in your neatest handwriting, and print the full name of the recipient with their proper title. Print your full name and address on the back of the envelope, which gives them the option of getting in touch with you if they wish.